Finally, this quite incapable candidate for Congress from Texas who said, “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” (I don’t think I really need to add anything to that!?)Amen, my brothers and sisters, go in peace.It’s been reported that Al Gore once […]
Finally, this quite incapable candidate for Congress from Texas who said, “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” (I don’t think I really need to add anything to that!?)Amen, my brothers and sisters, go in peace.It’s been reported that Al Gore once quipped: “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it …” (What a dirty shame.)
Today’s sermon: Ladies and gentlemen, why is it that we, the hard-working, tax-paying public are made to pay for a new sports arena/field to be built for a professional sports empire that already makes gazillions of dollars off of us? and then, mind you, are charged hundreds of dollars to get into that very stadium — the one we paid for, our stadium — to watch athletes who are paid many millions and are, unlike the rest of us, absurdly unencumbered with the debt that goes into financing their very lifestyle?University of Kentucky basketball player: “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” (Maybe brain surgery when they were in the same area treating hemorrhoids?)When the new podium is finished, I’ll continue the customary practice of climbing to the top of it with my final draft in hand and read it aloud. I’ll pontificate in my Mr. Know-it-all style, all the while bloviating my way through some topic that I know absolutely nothing about.Once I squirm my way through the reading — pleased that it will totally annoy the snobbish Pulitzer Prize people because I wasted their so-called precious time — I hit “send” on my laptop and drop it on the lap of my copy editor, who grimaces when she reads it, like an only child who was left out of the will, and begins the arduous task of making it a better, acceptable piece, good enough to print. God bless Joyce Miles.Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor: “We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” (He being the first one I’d do it to!)And now, I’ll finally climb down from this podium and finish up by letting some other idiots do the talking. em“Hey, is he talking about me …?”Frankly, Scarlett, I’m baffled. Can I get an “Amen.”
Dan Quayle: “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” (Where’s that “Genius at Work” sign? Hopefully, nowhere near him.)Let me explain … why the soapbox: Since there are occasional emails that accuse me of being too preachy, I thought it would be a good idea to adopt that particular affectation and go with the flow. Ergo, I stand at the homemade pulpit for a quick read-through before I send it out. Note, I should admit that I don’t know how or why someone would think I sound “preachy” — but, let he or she who is without peculiarities, cast the first stone. Can I get an “Amen?”! Let’s move on.The first one comes from Greenville, S.C., Department of Social Services: “Your food stamps will be stopped effective in March because we have received notice that you’ve passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is any change in your circumstances.” (Remind me to stay clear of Greenville.)I burn the previous year’s box like an arsonist’s fantasy with a carefully orchestrated, ritualistic process which I’ve cleverly dubbed “the burning of last year’s soapbox like an arsonist’s fantasy with a …” well, you probably guessed … “carefully-orchestrated” …you know … “ritualistic process.”Keppel Enderbery: “Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” (Who the hell is Keppel Enderbery?)Disclosure: I love the Buffalo Bills. I’m just trying out the new soapbox I made.Long time friend Sandy Stornelli sent me these purported statements that people have made over the years. They’re attributed to people and/or organizations, some of whom you may recognize. Thanks Sandy.One-time Washington, D.C., Mayor Marion Barry: “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” (People are dying to move there.)That’s the way it looks from the Valley.This week, I’ve been spending some time in my workshop. Every January, I’m in there carpentrating, building a new soapbox on which I can stand to give my latest column a test-run before sending it out to be published. Perhaps it’s just superstition, but it’s a routine I’ve gotten into over the years, and being a creature of habit, it’s something I feel comfortable doing.
